I miss Chad today.

Today is his birthday.  He would have turned 39.

He would have.... That is the part that doesn't make sense to me.  The "would have."  The use of the conditional tense to signify that something might have taken place in the past.  The surrender of using his action in the present or the future.  That is what almost six weeks has still not allowed me to understand.


Chad was my cousin.  He was the oldest on my mom's side.  While that might not mean a lot to most people, my family is the center of my world.  I'm closer to my aunts, uncles, and cousins than many of my friends are to their parents and siblings.  They make my world make sense.  That is why losing Chad has been so hard to comprehend.  I'm still not sure how the world is supposed to function without such a key player.

He was the oldest of our generation.  I'm the baby.  I came around at just the right time for him to be such an influence on me.  He wasn't too cool for me when I was little.  He wasn't a kid anymore; he was in college.  Since he was the oldest, he was the one that was in charge of the other eight of us.  He was the one whose approval we all sought, whether we knew it at the time or not.  He showed us the way and gave us an example to follow.  I would always try to steal as many hugs as I could.

I was still little when he settled down and started a family.  His wedding to his beautiful bride is the first that I really remember.  For this, I am thankful.  Very few weddings and very few marriages have compared to the one that they shared together.  The four incredible children they brought into this world never cease to amaze me.  He really set the precedent for all of the rest of us to follow.


Chad was a farmer.  He showed me what hard work really looked like.  He was always busy and always had tasks to complete.  But that didn't stop him from being the generous man that he was.  He consistently checked on our grandmother.  He would sneak in a lot of little visits to see how she was doing.  And he never went anywhere without his infectious laugh.

He was the one that would sneak you out of wedding receptions when all you wanted was chicken nuggets.  And when he realized that you were not going to get any taller, he would finally make you give him a piggy-back ride after all of those years where you rode on his shoulders.  And just in case you never would get another chance to see it, he would show you what a real marriage was like and how it was filled with love, fun, and maybe even a birdseed fight or two.

He was Chad.  He is Chad.  There is no other way to describe him.





I had this dream about a month ago.  The whole family was over at Chad's brother-in-law's house eating lunch.  It was after the accident.  While everyone was eating inside, my cousin Chuck and I sat on the front porch steps.  Chad pulled up in the driveway.  He walked right over to us and sat down.  The three of us just looked at each other for a minute or two before anyone said anything.  He let us touch the little scar on his face from the cut he got in the accident.  His sunburn had faded, but he still had rosy cheeks.  Chuck told Chad that he missed him.  Chad said that he understood and that he missed him and missed all of us so much.  I told Chad that I didn't like it this way.  I didn't like that he was dead and that he wasn't here anymore.  Chad said that he didn't like being away from us, but that he liked where he was now.  He told us that it was a lot easier and that he has had a lot of time to relax.  I told him that I was the baby.  I was the baby and he was the oldest.  He was supposed to tell me what to do.  I asked him how could he tell me or show me what to do when he wasn't even alive anymore.  He just looked at me.  Then he said, "I don't know how to be old.  I never did.  I work outside and I work with my hands.  That's what I do.  Neither my job nor my mindset would ever allow me to get old, and you know that.  You have seven other cousins and all of our aunts and uncles that are going to show you how to do this.  They are going to do a much better job at aging than I ever could.  And Mallary, we have such a big family.  We take up a lot of room everywhere that we go, so of course we are going to need a lot of space in Heaven.  Someone had to be up there to prepare the land."  He paused for just a minute before he continued.  "It is so beautiful there.  I have to go now but remember everything that I said.  I love you both so much."  And with everything being said, Chad got up and left my dream just as quickly as he left this world.  Chuck and I were still just sitting on the steps, trying to take in everything that had just happened.


It took me a long time to believe that his death was real.  But it didn't take me long at all to know that my dream was real.  I heard his voice and saw his face.  I heard his answers to our hard questions.  The answers that I never even fathomed until I heard them come from him.

I really am a baby.  His death snuck up on me at a time when I was only thinking about myself.  I was barely keeping my head above water when I got the shocking news.  It ripped the ground right from underneath my feet.  Nothing made sense.  I was such a mess.  I didn't know how to function when people talked about it, let alone when his oldest child asked me questions.  I couldn't remember how to mourn.  I went through sharp phases of grief that quickly changed into numbness and then back again.  I needed closure.  I asked God for something to help.  Just like always, I needed Chad's guidance.  He has always been there for me for every moment in my life.  Even after he died, he made a special appearance in my dreams so that I could say goodbye.

The grief has been less debilitating since that dream.  But it is still there.  I will continue to love Chad just as much as I always have.  Nothing will ever change that.  It helps to know that he is in Heaven, making room and providing for our family.  It helps to know that he is not alone.  It helps to know that this goodbye is not forever.


I miss Chad today.