I try to make myself incandescently happy at least once a day. The way I fill my happy time is usually always different, but the one thing that can always make me happy is sleep. Pure, simple sleep.
Going to bed brings so much performance anxiety. I hate getting tangled up in the logistics. It means that I am going to have to confront that final moment of consciousness that never wants to surrender. Going to bed is not a fun thing. Neither is waking up. The sound of my alarm clock is the most hated sound in my entire life. It makes me cringe once I am already awake, but seems to have no effect on me while I am asleep. Going to bed has never come easily for me so waking up is always so hard to do. I so much prefer falling asleep. Letting your body do what it is good at and what is natural. It doesn't matter where it happens or for how long. It is so beautiful to me.
My life is full of stress and anxiety. Most of the time, I have a million things on my agenda and unfortunately I never have enough time to get my full recommended hours of sleep. What is worse than that, however, is that even when I do have enough time, my body fights against sleep. I have been sleep deprived for five years. I spend my nights wishing for relaxation. All I want is sleep.
When it happens, I cherish every minute of it. Nothing is sweeter than drifting off into dreamland. I rarely get enough sleep to rest my weary body, but I firmly believe that everyone should spend at least a few hours every night immobile and unconscious.
I love my fast paced life. But sometimes the world just moves so fast. I want to take it all in and savor every second of life, but it gets so overwhelming. Sometimes I just need to be. Be still, be calm, be here. I need those hours, however few or many, of peaceful sleep and oblivion while the world rages around me. I want to sink into my pillow and into my nothingness.
Sometimes, I just need to sleep.
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