Diet Coke in the Midst of Trouble

It has gotten to the point this year where I can no longer tell the days apart from one another.  This past weekend felt like an entire week and I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of attending my classes this morning (however, my notes prove that I was in attendance).  I keep looking at my calendar at everything that I have to do in the coming weeks and it makes me want to curl up into a little ball.

My body hurts, my mind is sore, and my spirit is hanging on very gingerly.  I'm tired.  It is midterm time and it is taking itself out on me.  I can feel it.  It is palpable.  I'm doing my best to roll with the punches.




That being said, I am nothing short of thankful for the things that I still can look forward to.

My Oxford life is so exciting, my Mom's birthday is coming up, the mid-westerner is having a great week, and my best friends at home love me.  Deep down I know that I am happy.  It is just surface-level me that needs a breath of fresh air.

So tonight I celebrated myself.  With only a few things due for tomorrow, I relaxed.  I curled up in a blanket, laughed with my friends, watched my favorite shows, and savored every drop of the most precious thing in my life:

It's good to know that even when the world is raining down, Diet Coke will always be there to cheer me up.

If It's The Beaches

I have had an identity crisis.  For my blog.  Third time is the charm, right?

I started this blog with intentions of keeping it to myself.  Just me and my poetry and prose.  I was successful but I soon learned that I didn't enjoy it.  Then I decided that I wanted to share it with the world.  That time, it would be my sarcasm and wit that I showed off.  Now I just want it to reflect my attitude towards the blog.  I found out that I write sentimental posts.  Posts about longing and learning and growing up.

I still am a super model in my day to day life.  Only fabulous things happen to me and I am (luckily) able to laugh about the majority of these instances.  But my blog is different.

This time, it's about making my name and my difference in the world.  It's about going after what I want and what I need.  It's about finding love within myself and others in order to make the world make sense.  It's about not taking no for an answer.  It's about making my own way.  It's about forming my own destiny.


This time, it's about me.

If it's the beaches' sands you want, then you will have them.
If it's the mountains' bending rivers, then you will have them.
If it's the wish to run away, then I will grant it.
Take whatever you think of while I go gas up the truck.
Pack the old love letters up.  We will read them when we forget why we left here.

-The Avett Brothers

Rebel Loyalty

Maybe because it was a night game.  Maybe everyone was healthy.  Or they were excited or calm.  Whatever it was, we won.

We needed this win so badly.  Our team, our school, our spirit was dwindling.  The excitement in the stadium and the grove was palpable.  You could not escape it.

We had our mascot taken away from us a few years ago, but the biggest controversy surrounding that has been recently.  By season-end, we will know what our new mascot will be.  We will have a new identity that we may or may not want.  People are waiting with baited breath for this to solve itself.  We will still technically be the Rebels, even though our team and school will take on a new meaning.  All of this drama has caused us to stop being ourselves.  Somewhere in the anger and the removal of our traditions and pride, we stopped being Rebels.

We just needed a Rebel victory.





Part of being a Rebel is loyalty.

I wish I was in the land of cotton, good times there are not forgotten.

Never Was A Cloudy Day

The summer breeze sure does make me feel fine.  But there is nothing like the fall to chill you to your bones.

I am the biggest supporter of fall.  There is something so beautiful with the leaves changing.   You can feel your life changing.  When the leaves change color, you can feel yourself growing up and growing older.  It's simple, but it happens like clock-work.

Summer is a time for fun and relaxation.  Fall is the time to be the person that you were destined to be.  You have grown enough in the year to know where you want to go, and you have done enough to know how to get there.  Fall signals a fresh start.

As it gets colder, you get older.  But never too old to dance.  I spend my falls dancing through life.  My burdens may catch up to me in the other months and the other seasons, but not right now.  Never in the fall.
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Do you remember dancing in September?  Never was a cloudy day.  Do you remember dancing in September?  Golden dreams were shiny days.

Happy first day of fall.  May you fall in love with each new day, with golden dreams and cloudless skies.

Sweet Dreams

I try to make myself incandescently happy at least once a day.  The way I fill my happy time is usually always different, but the one thing that can always make me happy is sleep.  Pure, simple sleep.

Going to bed brings so much performance anxiety.  I hate getting tangled up in the logistics.  It means that I am going to have to confront that final moment of consciousness that never wants to surrender.  Going to bed is not a fun thing.  Neither is waking up.  The sound of my alarm clock is the most hated sound in my entire life.  It makes me cringe once I am already awake, but seems to have no effect on me while I am asleep.  Going to bed has never come easily for me so waking up is always so hard to do.  I so much prefer falling asleep.  Letting your body do what it is good at and what is natural.  It doesn't matter where it happens or for how long.  It is so beautiful to me.

My life is full of stress and anxiety.  Most of the time, I have a million things on my agenda and unfortunately I never have enough time to get my full recommended hours of sleep.  What is worse than that, however, is that even when I do have enough time, my body fights against sleep.  I have been sleep deprived for five years.  I spend my nights wishing for relaxation.  All I want is sleep.

When it happens, I cherish every minute of it.  Nothing is sweeter than drifting off into dreamland.  I rarely get enough sleep to rest my weary body, but I firmly believe that everyone should spend at least a few hours every night immobile and unconscious.

I love my fast paced life.  But sometimes the world just moves so fast.  I want to take it all in and savor every second of life, but it gets so overwhelming.  Sometimes I just need to be.  Be still, be calm, be here.  I need those hours, however few or many, of peaceful sleep and oblivion while the world rages around me.  I want to sink into my pillow and into my nothingness.

Sometimes, I just need to sleep.

After The Storm

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed out day.
You must know life to know decay.
But I won't rot, I won't rot,
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have,
That's why I hold.

I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart and dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart and dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

"After The Storm, " Mumford & Sons

School Day Blues

I knew it would happen and it did.  School happened.  I know, I know.  I was the one who wanted to go to Oxford so badly.  I was the one who wanted to be back in my place.  But I was also the one that didn't really think about going back to school.  I just thought about going back to Oxford.

Well here I am.  I have already had way too many homework assignments and the typical string of firsts: quizzes, extra credit, presentations, papers, and tests.  I knew that the work part would come.  I just never anticipated that it would happen so fast.

Did school always used to be this fast paced?  All of my involvement keeps me on my toes at all times.  My agenda has something on almost every day until the end of the semester.  Hello, that is in December.

So please forgive me if I space out on the blog for a while (like I already have).  With school finally back in session, I may just be out of commission.